That last entry was an incredibly turbulent time. Wracked with anxiety, depression, and hopelessness, I wrote that instead of my research paper. I couldn't do it anymore. I gave up. I wanted to die. I tried. I don't think I actually wanted to die, I just wanted to get out. I wanted none of it to exist anymore. I couldn't think of any other way except to kill myself.

So I went, handed in my confession and last testament to my teacher and prepared to attempt a fatal overdose.

Needless to say that didn't work, otherwise I wouldn't be here. Instead of dying, I spent a week in a psychiatric ward, where I was trapped on the third floor, no porch, no open windows, I could barely see the sky, and I couldn't have my phone or ipod, or sketchbook due to the wire binding. It sucked. I couldn't smoke. I couldn't see the sun, or smell the air. After I got out I took an institutional medical withdrawal, and got W's for all of my classes.

I got a new perspective about what was important. I'm trying to recuperate, at home, with no stress, with pat, with my family. It's good. It's been good, but I still feel like I'm balanced on a knife edge. Things are good, for now. But when I go back, what will happen? I don't want to fall down that way again. I never want to feel that way again. Like the sun would never shine again, like I'd failed so completely and utterly that I would never rise again and it would be easier to just die, to give up.

I still don't know whether CIA is right for me. I love the science almost more than I love the art, but they're intrinsically combined to me and cannot be separated. There seem to be very few other options, other than double majoring in astronomy and art, or physics and art in some other college.

I know a few things for sure though, I do not want to die. I want to live. I love the world, I love people, I love most everything. The only thing I've ever hated was myself. And I'm trying to get over that. I love pat, more than I'd ever imagined I would. We just had out one year anniversary, yay!

Also, I can't die until I meet lucas, the summer trip thing isn't happening. So, no death until I do that. No death for me.

I'll scan some of my anatomy stuff and put up my diaphragm diagram and various other things in the future.